I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
