My liver just broke up with me...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
