I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
