K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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