She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
