I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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