just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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