I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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