Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Boobs speak an international language.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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