Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Your dad touched me again.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You are the jesus of drinking
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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