did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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