So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
