When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
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i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
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I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO