I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
