any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
