hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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