Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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