Fine. I'll sleep in my office
someone threw a dead crab at me
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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