My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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