in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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