only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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