my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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