Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
