Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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