Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
