I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
