this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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