i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
