Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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