I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Someone shattered a urinal.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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