Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Did you just see the Batmobile???
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
