Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize