Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
