His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
True strength comes from lack of pants
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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