Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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