Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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