i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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