I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
don't judge my taste in strippers
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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