i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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