Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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