Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
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u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
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Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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