I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
it hurts more in the daytime
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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