Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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