3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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