matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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