I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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