I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
