Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
