6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It's official drugs can't kill me
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
