my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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