My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
