I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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