You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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