There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
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