You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
