I think my fart just growled at me.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
