I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
