I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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