I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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