Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
