I CAN MOONWALK!
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
being pregnant is like rehab
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
