took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
