My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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